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Am I doing what my soul needs?

I feel like I need to get out of the bay area. I’m not sure if just temporarily or permanently. It’s crazy to say but I sometimes think I miss San Diego. Only for certain elements I think. I miss the sunshine, I miss having 18 different places to go to for taco Tuesday. I miss having different beaches that I can go and hang out at. I miss the certainty that any apartment complex I live in is going to have a pool in it. Random, I know. I actually missing people jogging on the regular outside of my apartment…people actually focusing on their health.

I think it’s true that San Francisco foster’s careers. You’re definitely able to build a business or name for yourself in your industry here. But after a while that’s all you see; business suits and briefcases. Commuters in their cars, with coffee mugs in hand, and no real interaction but the thousands of emails sent back and forth throughout the day.

I feel like I’m in a weird crossroads right now. I don’t want to move back to my home town Chico because it’s too small for me now, but I also don’t want to move back to San Diego because I feel like my soul has outgrown it. But there is something that is lacking here in the bay area. Maybe it’s something as simple as the sunshine. Maybe it’s the fact that I spend all day cooped up in an office with no windows near me, and in and out of business meetings with middle-aged men all day. I don’t have my group of friends here next to me. Someone I can call up to get a beer with me after work. My family is close but they’re still at least a 2 hour drive away. Maybe I just complain too much and I need to start looking at the positive.

But it’s almost comical when I think about it, I moved out of San Diego to focus less on my social life and more on my career life. And now that I have a strong professional life, I have absolutely no social life! The irony! Is that the trade off? Do you trade your friends and happy hour, for bigger paychecks and late-night hours in the office?

It’s interesting finally being here in the bay area. When I was younger my biggest dream was to move to San Francisco. It was all I could think about. But it didn’t really work out for me to move here for college, as I move to San Diego instead. And now that I finally made it here, I almost wonder if that time has come in past…the desire be here in the city of San Francisco. I wonder did I lose sight of it? Have my interests just changed?

Am I letting go of the dream I once had, or are my dreams simply changing? And if I were to let go of this dream of being a “businesswoman in the city”, what would be my new dream? Where would I live? Maybe Oregon? Maybe Colorado? Maybe Washington? Maybe even Louisiana? I really shouldn’t move anywhere, but I feel anxious to go somewhere else new again. Which conflicts with so many plans I have for myself right now. I wonder if the problem is that I’m just bored. I’m bored with the same 9 to 5 every day. I’m bored with seeing the same dumb highway as I commute to and from work. The stability is comforting, but I wish I had a hobby or a talent of something that I could utilize when I’m off work to distract me. I think I keep asking myself “am I on the right path?”

Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I giving my soul what it needs? To be fulfilled, to grow, to fly?

fohk:

A revolution isn’t a gala dinner. It cannot be created like a book, a drawing or a tapestry. It cannot unfold with such elegance, tranquility and delicacy. Or such sweetness, affability. Courtesy, restraint and generosity. A revolution is an uprising, a violent act by which one class overthrows another”

The Dreamers (2003)
Bernardo Bertolucci

Our greatest hardship.

Compared to other kids, I haven’t
had that many hardships.
Not really.
You know. Shit’s happened.
Stuff’s happened, sure,
stuff always happens, right?


But the real challenge
in my life,
the real hardship… is me.


It’s always been me.
As long as I can remember,
I’ve never not been afraid.
Afraid of failure.
Of letting people down.
Hurting people.
Getting hurt.


I thought if I kept my guard up and
focused on other things, other people…
If I couldn’t even feel, well,
then no harm would come to me.


I screwed up. Not only
did I shut out the pain,
I shut out everything.
The good and the bad.
Until there was nothing.


It’s fine to just
“live in the now”.
But the best part about “now” is
there’s another one tomorrow.
And I’m gonna start
making them count.

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